MPD+Chapter+1+(Fiction)

this is a section of a fictional story I'm writing. As of right now it's incomplete and since i have no idea how long it's going to be i felt that this would be all i 'm going to post until i have more written.

I laid in Bed staring at the ceiling waiting in anticipation. I had just woke up from the deepest sleep I had all week, so far this week I’ve been sleeping horribly. Only a few hours here and there, and it showed. My appearance was sloppy. My hair was disheveled, I was unshaven, and I had dark circles under my eyes. As I laid in bed I thought of everything I’ve been through to get me to where I am today. I went through five very rough years at collage all my teachers disliked me for my argumentative responses which sparked debates that took up the whole class period. My mom always said that I should have been a lawyer, but I never wanted to. Because every lawyer that I ever met was egotistical, and talked down to me as if the words they used where far to complex for an average person, like me, to understand.
 * MPD**

Then there was the two years working as a cop. That wasn’t too bad, and I made a couple close friends. I also made a lot of enemies. They were cut throat people. At one moment they were your best friend, and at the next they would stab you in the back. That’s how it is in the business you were either best friends or backstabbing enemies trying to steal each others job. I was the one exception to the business; I was neutral. To me it didn’t matter one way or the other. I was friendly if you caught me on a good day, but if you caught me on an off day I could be your worst nightmare.

Now I’m here laying in bed at three in the morning waiting for my phone to ring so that I could get my first case as a detective. After a seven year bumpy road of good and bad I was finally getting my own case.

The phone rang echoing like a scream throughout the small one bedroom apartment. I excitedly answered the phone trying to sound as professional as possible

“Davis here” I was so excited my voice cracked. I can’t believe it my first case and I sound like a thirteen year old boy answering the phone.

“Wake up call grab your things and meet my at the abandon warehouse on North 32nd street.” Commissioner Jameson said firmly sounding like a military drill sergeant.

“Yes sir, I’ll be there in a flash.”

I jumped out of bed, and threw on my black suit jacket. Ever since there’s been a chance for me to get my first real case I’ve been sleeping in my dress clothes so that at a moments notice I could be on my way to the scene of the crime. As I left the apartment I put on my black and white pin striped fedora and matching trench coat that hung just past my knees.

While waiting for my jet black 1977 Plymouth Fury to warm up it hit me. Finally I was at the part of my life where I wanted to be. A detective, I was no longer just some beat cop looking for a way to get paid for beating punks. I was a detective, but not just any detective I was the best detective a precinct could ask for. I went to collage and studied Criminal Psychology, and Behaviorism. I have common sense and street smarts. What more could they ask from me?

On my way to the warehouse I stopped at Termini Brothers Bakery and bought coffee and a couple cannolis for the commissioner and I. Normally you would think a place like that is closed at 3:30 in the morning, but those sweet old ladies are always there cooking for the days customers. They were even nice enough to give me a free cannoli on the house. They probably gave it to me because they saw my badge, but I like to think it’s because they are just naturally generous.


 * Abandoned Warehouse**
 * North 32nd Street**

I knew I was at the right place when I saw the red and blue lights staining the side of the building. The warehouse was four floors made up of three normal size floors and one large working floor. The upper right side of the building was charred black from when the building next door burnt down from a small explosion. The left side of the building was the complete opposite instead of looking dead and cremated it looked alive. It had vines growing up the side spewing life onto the warehouse.

Commissioner Jameson was waiting in the center of the caution tape. I flashed my badge to the officers securing the caution tape perimeter and walked over to Commissioner Jameson. We shook hands and went and sat in my car to keep warm. He went over the details of the case as we gorged ourselves on delicious cream filled pastries.

“It’s a gruesome sight up there Davis. It’s not for the weak of heart. Do you think you can handle it?” Jameson said sounding strangely concerned with me well being.

“I’ve seen the photos from Jeffery Dahmer’s case, and that was intense. I should be fine. Thanks for the concern though.” Davis said sounding proud of his success looking at grotesque images of slaughter.

“Okay, but I have to warn you it’s an entirely different animal when you’re really there.”

“I’ll be fine. Now can we just go over the case please?”

“Yeah, no need to get testy. I’m on your side, remember.”

“Sorry. I guess I’m just nervous that’s all.” Davis said sincerely

“You’ll be fine kid. If you need any thing just ask I’ve seen it all before.”


 * Forth floor of the warehouse**
 * 15 minutes later**

When I walked into one of the numerous offices on the forth floor I immediately smelt a concoction of burnt hair and urine. In the corner of the room there was what looked like the remains of a fire that was recently extinguished. In the midst of the ash and still together pieces of wood were the remains of a human. There was no way to ID the man lying on the floor all his belongings were gone, and the fire ate away at his face. Blood lined the walls. It was most likely a crime of opportunity. The unsub may not have intended to kill the victim. It could have been a bum trying to get his hands on some quick cash, and attempted to burn the man when he accidentally killed him.

There was a large desk in the middle of the room with papers scattered along the top of it. All of the drawers were either missing or open except for one. I walked over to the only closed drawers and tugged on the handle. It was locked so I kicked at it until the lock broke. Inside was my first clue; It was a letter. Strangely enough the letter was addresses to me. I opened it and quickly slid it into my inside jacket pocket. I hastily walked away from the scene of the crime.

Thinking back I wish I had never found that letter.

=Commentary...= Hi Phil, nice work. What does MPD stand for? I am assuming the PD is police department... am I right? I love the car you chose for this guy... jet black 77 Plymouth Fury is just right.

Here are some gramar/punctuation/spelling notes: moments notice = moment's notice far to complex = far too complex each others = each other's abandon warehouse = abandoned warehouse collage = college couple cannolis for the commissioner and I. = couple cannolis for the commissioner and me.

Your line, " red and blue lights staining the side of the building" is excellent. Good cliffhanger at the end of this section! I'm already wondering about the letter and looking forward to the next section of this! Great work. Mr. S.

___

"Hey, I thought this was really good" ;)

But yeah, you know how I feel about you and your writing. The style is my favorite and you really do a great job of keeping things controlled. Typically in stories like this, the writer tends to insert details too early and send out hints that ruin the overall feel of the piece. You made sure that the writing stayed at one pace though and that made the read pretty enjoyable. I was wigging out when you said "The Red and Blue lights stained the wall". Seriously, I wish I would have come up with that. So nice.

The only thing I'd fix is the grammar old man Swindells said. Other then that, keep that creative juice flowing my friend.

<3 Dan I have to say, I'm a big fan of crime dramas, so I was partial to your story. I think even if I wasn't, I still would have liked it. I do think that you could improve some parts, like your grammer. You had a lot of scentences in desperate need of a comma. And at one point you refered to yourself in the third person, but I think that was a mistake. Other than that, you did a great job, and I loved the ambiguous ending. I really liked it...~Emma

\\\ This was real nice, I always say I don't like this kind of story line, but if it's good I'll get into it and I really did like this one. It was really consisent, nice descriptions and whatnot. It had a rael good feel to it, too; it really gave the idea of a badass cop, but still kind of vulnerable. Awesome dialogue, too, it played out that ida of the cop I just said and sounded jsut like how you'd think they'd talk. Kepp it up! AAAUSTIN

i usually dislike detective stories ebcuase i feel like they always turn out the same which is why i LOVED this one becuase it was so different than the other ones i have read, i could not guess the next thing you were going to do and then clincher at the end realy made me feel an overwhelming anticipation keep it upp! ashleyyyy